If there were a hydrocephalitic head found in an ocean…I feel like I’d be like….one of the first to know.
"OSTRICH PILLOW, BITCH"
Just a barrage of these for the past 20 minutes… Thanks, Allison.
EXTREMELY URGENT UPDATE:
This image gives Allison more joy than any- and everything else on the entire Internet.
Important Update: This is Allison’s favorite of all the things on the Internet EXCEPT the things involving marine life. Duh.
Important Second Update: The user IS a shark, so this totally does involve marine life. He is also Allison’s soulmate.
DINOPOCALYPSE: THE MOVIE
Allison: Soooo Boyfriend and I have an idea for a movie that is VERY CURRENT EVENTY. First, see this: No ‘Jurassic Park’: Dinosaurs off the de-extinction menu, scientists say
Me: Is the idea…. Jurassic Park….?
Allison: No. Well, sort of. So basically the article is saying it COULD FEASIBLY BE DONE. That’s the important part. But the government isn’t going to allow it to happen. Obvi.
Me: So, is the idea…. like… meta-Jurrassic-Park? A movie *about* the movie that said dinosaurs could be resurrected?
Allison: NO. Cue evil genius with an unlimited about of money and resources: KIM JONG UN. A war between the US and North Korea is currently imminent, correct? Like it could happen any day, right? Soooo, again, with an unlimited amount of money and resources, Kim Jong Un creates like 2000 velociraptors for a land attack, and 10000 pterodactyls for an air attack… US DESTROYED BY DINOSAURS. PLUS, no nuclear winter, so they can keep the land that is now free of humans and fertilized by body parts of Americans ripped to shreds by FUCKING RAPTORS!!
Me: you are like an 8-year-old boy with aggression issues.
Allison: That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
You think I can bring a Big Gulp to the Dying Fetus concert?
I wear Spanx. Before they were widely available, I borrowed my mother’s DKNY ‘firm control-top’ hose, because I liked the way they took me from an unwieldy mass of feminine curves to a sleek river otter, stuffed into a condom. Consequently, Spanx and its generic reproductions are enough of a staple in my non-jeans wardrobe that, when an acquaintance asked, ‘Do people have sex in them?’ my immediate response was, ‘Of course.’
"It’s a terrible smell," David Garcia, mayor of Waveland in Hancock county,told WLOX-TV. “As this heat continues, they’re just going to blow up and pop, making it even more of a health hazard.”
Catcopter: just like the Batmobile, but furrier.
Important Note You’ll Never Unsee: This is made out of a real cat.
The Slurpee Wagon!
- Allison: I want to have one of those spinny cement trucks when i grow up, but with Slurpee inside.
- Me: You really should never be wealthy...
- Allison: I think I'd call it The Slurpee Wagon. But with an exclamation point!
- Me: That sounds rapey.
- Allison: You can't rape anyone inside The Slurpee Wagon... it SPINS.